Sunday, August 19, 2012

Weekly Shlockness with John Mikula

                Hey…so um, yea last week…I was totally gonna post a Weekly Shlockness, but I kinda downloaded the Logo Quiz onto my phone and I sorta got caught up trying to figure out what logos go to which corporation. Then I got to the Chevrolet logo and I knew it was for Chevrolet but I kept typing in Chevy cuz I forgot that Chevy is short for Chevrolet and it wound up taking me about 4 and a half days in isolation to figure it out. Sorry guys.
I f*cking hate you
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                NAH!! I’m just kidding! I was actually doing a bunch of programming for out humanities class. That’s crazy, right? The assignment was to construct a game based around this esoteric idea of the ‘unbuilt city’. That’s crazy, right? What’s more, we only have two weeks to do it. That’s crazy, right!? So basically all of my free time has been going to click-clackin’ away at this project and last weekend I seriously didn’t have any time to write anything down for the blog. However, if the game is cool enough Mike and I might make a video about it for our YouTube channel, so something good might come of this after all. We’ll see. ANYWAY! I did manage to sparingly play a few things over the last two weeks and I’d love to tell y’all about ‘em. So grab a seat and get ready for your Weekly Shlockness.
"Tom Cruise! What are you doing with that axe?"
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                I beat Silent Hill 4! YEAH! All was good except for the fact that I got the worst ending possible. But that’s okay because it means my record for getting all the worst endings in the Silent Hill games is untarnished; however, this ending was especially bad in both a ‘bad things happen’ and ‘bad quality’ sort of way. I’m going to start talking the spoiler talk so if anyone doesn’t want to have the worst ending of Silent Hill 4 spoiled for them skip down past this paragraph. Please and thank you. *SPOILERS* Okay so, the final boss is Walter Sullivan which, I don’t know if I mentioned him before or not, is this creepy dude whose been on some quest to murder 21 people for some reason. The fight itself is really weak. You’re in a big arena sort of thing with a giant pool of blood in the middle of it. There’s also a giant flesh creature (who is entirely unexplained mind you) hanging up against one of the sides of the arena. He doesn’t do anything, he just sort of yells at you. Walter is the one that will hurt you. He’s got a gun and will fire at you occasionally, only, you can’t fight back. Walter has become some sort of ‘shadow Walter’ which means he’s shrouded in a black mist and he’s indestructible. The way to beat him is to take these spears that are sticking out of the wall of the arena and thrust them into the giant flesh monster. When the flesh monster dies, Walter’s shadow powers go away and you can blast him until he’s dead. Pretty dumb, right? It gets dumber. The ending cinematic cuts to your room with Walter standing up against the wall. All you can hear is the radio turn on and the announcer starts talking about all the people Walter has killed, the main character Henry Townsend being the last one. So, despite the fact that we killed Walter in the game, he inexplicably lives, kills us, and starts living in our room. I’ve gotten some bad endings in my day, but this one is a real stinker. My understanding is that the other endings are better so if you’re thinking about playing the game, it’s still worth it to try and get one of the better endings.
I you listen to Dark Side of the Moon while playing this game backwards you'll be able to feel your hair growing
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                I also beat El Shaddai! YEAH! Y’all won’t have to worry about spoilers in this paragraph because I don’t know what the fuck happened. There was some sort of motorcycle fight, and a dancing angle dude, and some broad named Ishtar. I just don’t have a clue. What I do know is that the last boss fight wasn’t as bad as the one is Silent Hill 4. It wasn’t great, but it was pretty good. There was a fair bit of challenge involved but no deep strategy or tactics were really needed. The thing I really want to emphasis about the game is the sheer breadth of visual style to be had. It’s incredible. You’ll find yourself is some sort of crazy, future, Tron land one level, and a crazy, floating cube level the next. Description can’t really do it justice; you really just have to experience them for yourself. The gameplay is pretty good as I’ve said before, but the real reason to play this game is for the visuals. If you’re an artsy kind of person, you will enjoy going through this game. The whole thing isn’t very long (maybe seven hours) so it’s not that big of an investment for a relatively good time.
I'm calling it now. Game of the year.
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                I totally played the Logo Quiz! YEAH! I wasn’t lying about that in the opening paragraph, I did download the Logo Quiz and have been playing it a lot more than I thought I would. The game is really simple: you’re shown a huge list of hundreds of logos and you have to type in the name of whatever company the logo belongs to. What’s funny is I would go on the Android game store and look at the most popular free games available and every time I looked the stupid Logo Quiz would be higher on that list. A couple days ago it was second only to Angry Birds so I’m like “fine, I’ll give it a shot”. I’m having a fun time with it, especially because it’s way harder than I thought it’d be. I’d like to give you an example of a hard one, but I don’t know what any of them are so I can’t really give an example, but you have to trust me, it’s a pretty hard game. Now I’m turning into a consumer pig that sits around and watches commercials all day because I gotta find out what these f*cking logos go to. I’ve seen so many subliminal messages the last week I’m going to be broke by the next Weekly Shlockness.

                Well that’s all I’ve got for y’all this week. Maybe by next week I’ll get into that copy of Darsiders that I bought like two months ago, but I’ll probably just play a bunch of minesweeper instead. Until next time Shlockheads.

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