Sunday, September 9, 2012

Weekly Shlockness with John Mikula

                Hello everybody! I’d like to start of this Weekly Shlockness by wishing everyone a merry Rosh Hashanah. May it be the zaniest Jewish New Year ever! Now, hold on to your party hats and crazy straws because I’ve got a bomb shell to drop. IT AIN’T EVEN ROSH HASHANAH! I was just testing you, to make sure you’re up to date on your obscure holidays. If you knew right away that I was bullsh*tting then I award you with fifty Shlockness Achievement Points (SAPs). The rest of you should spend more time looking at your calendars; or, maybe I should spend less time looking at my calendar. Either way, I needed something to open this blog post with and this bogus pop quiz seemed to fit the bill fairly nicely. Now, let’s get started with your Weekly Shlockness!
Rosh Hashanah is actually the Jewish Holiday in which people slay dragons and drink their blood through their own horns
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                As I promised last week, I totally got my copy of Silent Hill 3 from Amazon on Friday and I’ve been playing it all weekend. I feel like I talk a lot about silent hill. That’s probably because I’ve mentioned one of the games on this blog almost every week since the beginning, so I’ll keep my analysis of Silent Hill 3 short. It’s a lot like Silent Hill 2. Nuff said. The only thing that’s crazy/weird about it is that it’s a straight up continuation of the Silent Hill 1 story. I can’t really say how without spoiling how Silent Hill 1 ends so I’m going to go ahead and do that. Ahem…SPOILERS AHEAD!
Teletubbies don't got nothin' on this sh*t
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So, Silent Hill ends with the main character, Harry Mason, stopping the birth of the cult god of Silent Hill (via a final boss battle). This god was summoned by sacrificing a little cult girl named Alessa, who turned out to be an alternate version of Harry’s adopted daughter Cheryl, for whom he’s been looking for throughout the entire game. Make sense? Good. When the cult god was killed it spawned a reincarnation of Alessa in the form of a baby girl. Harry takes hold of this baby and bats outta Silent Hill with her. It’s probably worth noting that this is only one of the possible endings to that game, which means that only one of the endings is cannon (a first and last in the series). In Silent Hill 3 you play as that baby girl all grown up, named Heather Mason, and the story revolves around the cult trying to capture Heather so they can use her as another sacrifice to give birth to their cult god again. Alright, END OF SPOILERS!
Now sure if Silent Hill 3 or Rated M for Mature
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The game plays, looks, and feels almost exactly like Silent Hill 2 which is probably due to the fact that they came out a year apart from each other. I can only assume they use the same engine (don’t you dare quote me on that). The formula is the same, just a few of the variables are different which, if I’m totally honest, is alright by me. I loved Silent Hill 2, so giving me more of that with just a few different puzzles, enemies, characters, and locations is totally cool with me and, I’m sure, a whole sh*t load of other Silent Hill fans. Now, if only Book of Memories would read this blog post, maybe I’d be more excited to check that game out. Am I right? Am I right!?
Way more metaphysical than the name would imply
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Earlier in the week I started feeling a bit like a worthless sack of crap because I looked at my collection and I realized that there are still games that I’ve started months ago that I haven’t finished. So, I decided to buckle down and get through one in particular which I really enjoyed playing when I first got it. That game is Driver: San Francisco. You play as John Tanner, the main character from an eighties buddy cop drama (not really) and his quest to thwart the terrorist threats of arch enemy Jericho. But here’s the catch: Tanner is knocked into a comma after a near fatal car accident and is thrusted into a dream version of San Francisco that only exists in his mind (totally not a spoiler). Within this dream world, Tanner is able to possess people as they drive around the city and use their cars to stop criminal activity, mainly by crashing into things.
Probably the second longest Dodge Charger commercial I've ever played
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I’m discovering a deep seeded love growing for open world driving games. I’m a very impatient person when it comes to driving, and I always catch myself going twenty over the limit at any given time; so naturally a video game that encourages that kind of behavior is right up my alley. What’s even better than the speedy freedom is the fact that utter recklessness is encouraged. Several of the missions ask the player to stop a runaway criminal by any means necessary. This usually involves possessing a car traveling in the opposite direction of the runaway car and steering it into the speeding criminal. Who gives a f*ck if your car gets wrecked because hell, it wasn’t your car to begin with. You then have to zoom out and possess another in order to repeat this process over and over again until the mission is succeeded. There are other things to do like racing and time trials and things of that nature; however, crook stopping is at the core of this game.

The controls feel tight, the graphics are sharp, and the frame rate is silky smooth. I had a blast with this game and I would highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys a good driving game now and again or if your big into eighties buddy cop dramas. With that in mind I’m going to slag outta here. I’ve got some laundry in the over and I think it’s about to blow. See y’all next time on Weekly Shlockness.

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