Weekly Shlockness with John Mikula

Hey Everybody! Happy 7^th of July, or as we in the biz like to call it, shmindependence day. Not many people know this, but today is the day in which we as a nation return all the sh*tty gifts that all the other nations gave us for our birthday; which, in itself is a day to celebrate. I mean, a beret? Seriously France? Now, I don’t know about y’all, but when shmindependence day rolls around in the Mikula household, we like to gather around our fireplace, roast some chest nuts, sing a few shmindependence carols and read our favorite gaming blogs. Now that I’m a part of Shlockness Industries, it is my job to make sure that you lovely and talented readers have all of the necessary blogery you need to make your shmindependence day something truly special. Now grab a loved one, snuggle up with your foreign gift receipts, and celebrate this wonderful holiday with this edition of Weekly Shlockness.

What the f*ck are we supposed to do with this?

                Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when I told y’all about the Indie Humble Bundle? Well, now that I’ve gotten Silent Hill 2 out of the way, I’ve decided to get back into the bundle. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But John! You can’t go from Silent Hill to regular gaming that quickly. You’ll get Silent Shock and break your neck!” Well I accounted for that, and in order to avoid Silent Shock (as the professionals call it) I’ve decided to easy my system back into its normal groove by playing a game that is similar to Silent Hill but isn’t quite there. I’m talking of course about Jasper Byrne’s Lone Survivor.

I hear ya man. I hear ya loud and clear
picture from: www.indiegamebundles.com

                Lone Survivor is a 2D survival horror game with a lot of psychological elements to it. According to the lore, there has been some kind of cataclysmic event that rendered everyone either dead or transformed into some kind of horrible twitchy skin monsters. Or…maybe not. Right now the story has the main character experiencing all sorts of hallucinations and psychic trauma that I’m really not sure if there are any real monsters or if it’s just in my head. I suppose we’ll find out as I get through the game.

                With the story elements aside I’m really appreciating the gameplay within this title. This isn’t one of your newfangled survival horror games with set pieces and action; this is an old school survival horror game. The player is left with very little ammo, few light sources, and very threatening enemies. The monsters in this game make very distinct noises and whenever I hear one coming I can feel my stomach drop a little bit. However, this does raise an issue that I have with the game which is that the enemies are hard to avoid. Because of the 2D perspective any enemies in front of you will completely block your path. So it’s not like Resident Evil or Silent Hill where you can rely on your third dimension to simply walk around the enemies if they get to close; in Lone Survivor, one enemy if front of you is a total road block. More often than not I felt that my only option was to shoot my way past certain enemies, which is kind of a bummer when you have such limited ammo. Occasionally you can sink into little hiding spots within the walls and lure the creatures past you with rotten meat so you can get around them; however, these instances aren’t very common and results in the player wasting their limited supply of meat every time they want to pass that hall way, which is probably pretty often.

This auto aim seems pretty gracious
picture from: www.fronttowardsgamer.com

                There is definitely an interesting UI in place here. On screen indicators are minimal and in some cases even hidden from the player completely. Occasionally the main character will tell the player that they are hungry or sleepy, at which point I usually will feed my character some food you can find in the environment or find a bed to sleep in. This is an interesting way of doing things since you don’t have a hunger/tired bar to keep track of, but I do have some problems with this mechanic. My problem is not with the method of presenting the information to you but rather that it is completely unknown to me if it is even necessary to eat and sleep at all. From what I’ve seen, being hungry or sleepy didn’t seem to affect my character in the slightest. I’m left wondering if I’m wasting time/resources for nothing or if there are some serious implications for not taking care of your dude.

I’m also not fully convinced of the art style of this game. Typically in this day and age, games that use an over pixelated art style are either trying to pay homage to a particular genre, or poke fun at it. Survival horror doesn’t really have any roots in the realm of overly pixelated 2D games so I don’t see how this could pay homage to anything, yet the tones are completely serious and don’t seem to be poking fun at anything either. It’s an interesting choice in graphics that doesn’t quite sit well with me. Occasionally I’ll see something that looks totally convincing and spooky, but other times the game just looks silly. The main character is supposed to be wearing a respirator over his mouth the entire game, but whenever I look at him it seems like he has a big goofy smile.

The art style and the 2D perspective are both very interesting design choices that I don’t really think work with this genre, but don’t let that statement give off the impression that I don’t like this game. I am totally enjoying myself when I play this game. The gameplay is (despite its problems) very fun to behold, and the psychological horror elements are the icing on the cake. I definitely plan on finishing this game and I’ll be sure to let y’all know my final verdict when I do.

"I just brought you a Shmindependence Day brownie"
picture from: www.superflatgames.com

Now, with all of the Shmindependence Day celebrations going on, it’s probably hard to recall everything that happened on Independence Day. What’s left of my memories consist of a milky haze of beer, brats, beer-brats, crappy berets, and maybe a firecracker here or there. The one thing I can recall for certain is that there was plenty of El Shaddai to be had that day.

I think I ate too many beer-brats
picture from: www.gamezone.com

El Shaddai is a spectacle fighter (think God of War) with a heavy theme of Christianity. You play a guy named Enoch (who is an actually biblical figure if I’m not mistaken) who is talked into fighting a bunch of dudes by some other dude named Lucifel for some reason. I’m sure the actual game is not nearly as vague as I’ve portrayed it, but with all the beer-brats flying around that day it was kind of hard to pay attention. Any way, it turns out the dudes you’re supposed to be fighting are building the tower of babel (more bible stuff) and you have to stop them. In order to do that, the player is left to run, jump, and fight their way up the tower and kill all of the dudes inside. What’s interesting about the gameplay is that it has a lot more depth than I expected. It feels a lot like God of War when you first start playing it, but it soon introduces a whole bunch of new ideas that make this game a very distinct variant on the formula. For instance, there are three weapons in the game (whose names I don’t remember) and each of these weapons gives the player new kinds of mobility and new kinds of fighting style. The bow lookin’ melee thing allows you to perform fast attacks as well as a double jump, while the shield thing has a very slow build up but lets you block as you move. They may sound like generic weapons to have in a game like this but they actually mix up the gameplay quite a bit. Everyone I’ve talked to who’s played this game seems to have their own preference. I liked the bow thing because it was fast and the double jump was good for the platforming sections, but a friend of mine liked the shield because it hits really hard. Each weapon also needs to be charged with purifying energy every now and again if it is to be kept at full effectiveness. This makes for some interesting situations in which I’ll be fighting some dudes and have to get away from them in order to charge up my blade and finish the job.

The one thing that is apparent when you boot up El Shaddai is that the game oozes visual style. This isn’t your normal interpretation of Heaven and Hell; it’s a very trippy and surreal version. There are tons of colors, wavy forms, and floating platforms. The whole game is brilliant to look at and would be well worth playing just to get a feel for the world that they’ve built. I should also make a comment on the music. It was quite loud at the 4^th of July party I played this at, but it is my understanding that the music is quite good. I wish I could be a little more descriptive than that, but hey, that’s the kicks.

"Stay back! Or I'll totally whack you with my bow-lookin' thing"
picture from: www.g4tv.com

All in all I think El Shaddai has a lot of promise. It easy to see how this could have just turned into a Japanese God of War, but it’s not. I very much appreciate the ideas that were put into the mechanics of this game and I look forward to playing more at some point in the future. On that note I’m going to wrap up this blog post. Wow! I didn’t insult Mike once during the whole thing. I guess that’s the power of Shmindependence Day. Okay, give me a second…Mike sucks….MMwMM is a waste of time. Phew, that was a close one but as I always say: “give the people what they want”. Now I’d like to close this Weekly Shlockness with a list of all the (supposedly) misspelled words I used in this blog post according to Microsoft word.

                Shlockness

                Mikula

                Shmindependence

                Sh*tty

                Blogery

                Shaddai

                Lucifel

                Lookin’

                Platforming

                MMwMM

Happy 4^th/7^th of July everybody! From all of us at Shlockness Industries!

Mike's Mondays with Mike McGee: Making the Most of Matters

       I think this is the 3^rd week in a row where I’ve had problem regarding the completion of this, um, goings-on, let’s say. I went to Disc Replay in search of a game for a future playthrough, but stumbled upon something much more. Well, more or less, it’s the same. I was looking for Conker’s Bad Fur Day, but found Donkey Kong 64. It was like $17 and compared to the $100 asking price on Amazon, I think I got a good deal. Unfortunately, my N64 decided to be a little moody. The RCA cables were all mangled and the plug didn’t really fit snugly in the system. Eh, no problem, really. The internet is telling me that my Gamecube cables’ll work just fine. But when I went to grab the cables, they were gone. I have a mystery on my hands here, people. It will probably end with me just buying new cables. I’ll be a regular Sherlock Holmes! Now, on to the games!

Ah, sweet! Almost $4.50 on the trade-in value. No way, that's a ripoff.

       I’m a fan of this Kingdom Hearts series because I don’t to explain why. I’ll bring this up now so you don’t feel betrayed if you find out some other way, but I’ve never owned nor played all the way through any of the games released on a Playstation system. So the 1 and 2 and Birth by Sleep are the main ones of that group. In my opinion, I think that says a lot about the series that they put enough effort into the handheld editions to get me hooked on the series. So I took it upon myself, as I usually do, to play a little bit of the demo for the new 3DS installment, Dream Drop Distance (omg, 3Ds!! Those clever foreigners…and I literally just had that revelation). The demo comes with a tutorial mode, so I was smart enough to realize that they put that in because people would need it. Just past the standard walking and have you ever played a video game before? tutorial, there’s some new features this come-‘round. There’s Flowmotion, which is activated by dashing to a wall, pole, or rail. You get this pink flow stuff around you and you can dash around like crazy. It makes getting around areas much more fun and enjoyable. It can also be used in combat to string together SICK combos and to run away I guess (if need be). 

I hope this is a DREAM, I don't want to DROP all that DISTANCE. Ahguhguhguhguhguh!!

       The second feature is, what they’re calling, Realty Shift. Basically, when an object or enemy is able to be Realty Shifted, a pink circle appears around the object, you press yourself a little A and X button, and, badabing badaboom, the object jumps to the touch screen and you can launch it to the upper screen. This usually kills the launchee and does damage to anything it hits. It’s semi-useful but not as much as the Flowmotion. I imagine using it as a break if combat gets to hectic. Dem’s the basics, what about the story mode?

オヴァルティン 詳細を飲む

       Thankfully they drop you right in the middle of the story, I thought I was gonna be bogged down with all that understanding I was gonna have to do. But some dude’s magic is presumed to be the cause of you bring back in Traverse Town and Riku is nowhere to be found. Some wearing a goofy scarf and goggles says you ain’t no player to which he shows Sora his hand showing that a working timer is emblazoned upon it. Apparently, this kid is in “The Game” and needs to find his partner who is also a player. Sora is insistent on helping this guy. The kid agrees leaves, showing off that Flowmotion stuff. Then you start playing. Then you start playing and the kid’s gone. In his stead are two, what I’m referring to as, cats. No clue. I think they help, I wasn’t too sure, but I know one of ‘em healed me at one point. Thanks to the addition of this Flowmotion stuff, the levels are a lot bigger and you can explore pretty much everything. I’m flying all over the place fightin’ dudes and fat pandas and the Giant monkey clock boss thing. Then the demo ended. It’s a bit on the short side, but it did its job. Can’t wait for, uh…*googles dat sheit* the end of July to get here.

D'aww

       I don’t want to talk about only one game, especially when it was only the demo. So, I’ma talk about a game that I bought like yesterday, Quantum Conundrum. If you’re feeling a bit jipped then let me assure you that it gets worse. I haven’t played the game yet. Like, at all. So instead I’m gonna give it a cover review and incorporate some of the promotional/gameplay vids I’ve seen of it. Think of it as a demo to the actual thing next week. 

Looks pretty sweet!

Now that you’ve gotten a little something to wet your retina, I’ll bid you safe fortunes and hope you invest in a good week. We’ve got some new and exciting content over on the ol’ Youtube page, which I know all yous guys can find, but sometimes John forgets…sometimes it can be hard to be patient. From all two of us here at Shlockness, (well, technically, it’s just me here, but I’m speaking for John, too. Hell, I have to do everything else for him anyways, why shouldn’t I speak for him) have a good one! 

Weekly Shlockness with John Mikula

                I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve just had a day that was stuffed to the brim with Shlockness. My partner in slime Mike came over to the house, we started a new Let’s play, we got another ‘how far can we get’ done and now at 12 o’clock midnight I’ve got to write this blog for you, our lovely and talented readers. Sure, it’s technically not Saturday anymore but I hope beyond hope that y’all can find it in your hearts to forgive me on account of I just spent ten hours before hand making content for you clowns! I’m sorry; I don’t mean to snap at you. I’ve just been having a rough time down at the office. I lost the Henderson account, someone stole the cookies out of my lunch, and I saw that saucy receptionist flirting with the vending machine guy. Let me make it up to you by telling y’all what I’ve been playing this week.

"In the circus, no one can hear you scream"

                To start off the week I finished up Silent Hill 2. My overall impressions are very good. I had a really fun time playing this game even though the ending I got was a real bummer. For those of you who’ve played the game I think you know which ending I got. But yeah, the things I said last week about the story not making a lick of sense were rectified towards the end of the game. Some things are revealed about the main character that makes his motivations a little bit clearer, and I felt a good sense of closure when I beat the last boss. Everything gets wrapped up nicely for James, yet not much is touched upon regarding the nature of Silent Hill itself and there was at least one character that I still have no clue as to what their deal was. This isn’t a bad thing in the slightest; a good horror experience needs a bit of mystery to really be effective I think. I should also probably mention that I put the action on easy mode, which I hear would otherwise be incredibly hard, wound up being stupidly easy. Hell, I bet even Mike could beat them. Well…never mind, that’s probably a dumb bet to make. But that’s not the point. The point is that I probably didn’t get the true survival horror experience that I ought to have. I was never really worried about ammo or my health, and any enemies were basically no trouble at all; but you know what, I don’t care. I had a great time just wandering around Silent Hill and seeing all the creepy things this foggy little resort town has to offer me, and I would highly recommend this game to a lot of people.

would you rather go back to clown town?
picture from: www.dualshockers.com

                Now, I didn’t get around to playing any Resident Evil or Psychonauts this week because the rest of my week was consumed by Minecraft. This isn’t your ordinary Minecraft however. I’ve found the normal version of the game to be incredibly boring for quite some time now. I’ve been playing the technic pack which is a collection of mods that, when working together, expand the game to an insane degree. There are a ton of mods included in this pack but the three big are the build craft mod, the industrial craft mod, and the equivalent exchange mod. Build craft is all about automating the fundamental actions of Minecraft by constructing engines and machines to do all of the mining and transferring resources for you. Industrial craft then gives you a bunch of recipes to build machines that expand the functionality of your items as well as giving you a means to power your home with electricity. Equivalent exchange focuses on the principles of alchemy where you can use all sorts of wizardry to transmutate your items into other items. That’s just the cliff notes for these mods, when you actually crack them open and see all that they have to offer it is truly amazing; more so when you combines the mods functionality together. You can build a nuclear reactor that powers a quarry which will automatically dig out given area of blocks, then transfer those blocks over to a transmutation table that will turn all of the junk into diamonds while the useful ores get macerated into powder and then smelted into ingots. I can’t even think of all the possibilities that are made available to you when you hook up this mod, but I have seen some people on Youtube who have made some really impressive machines. The endgame for this mod gets insane. You will eventually have indestructible armor with magic rings that set all the land around you on fire. You can build nukes, jetpacks, automatic tunnel boring machines, tools made out of dark matter, and much more. I really love this mod. It makes Minecraft infinitely more interesting and if you’re someone like me who’s getting bored of Minecraft, give this mod a look at and be prepared to get sucked back in.

Damn thass allota wrenches!
picture from: www.planetminecraft.com

                I’ll do my best to describe my set up so far. Right now I have my laboratory as I’ve been calling it and there are two rooms in it so far. I have a room for storage with probably six double chests in it, and I have a room for my machines. On the roof of my house I’ve got a couple of wind mills that generate electricity into my battery box. From the battery box I run power to an extractor for which I’m perpetually funneling rubber wood into with the help of some redstone engines. Rubber is extracted from rubber wood which I then pump back into the storage room (you can use rubber to insulate copper wires, which is what I’m primarily using it for). I’ve then got power going to a macerator which is being fed various ores that I’ve found and turning them into powder. You get two powders for each ore and what you can do with that powder is smelt it back into an actual ingot. I’ve been doing my smelting with an electric furnace so I don’t waste coal. This whole set up means I get twice as many ingots for each ore that is fed to the machine. The ingots are then fed back to the storage room for later use and the best part about it is that I don’t have to lift a finger. Everything is automated so I can go mine some ores and then have them turn into useful ingots all while I’m working on other things. It is really a cool setup and the next step is to build a quarry so I don’t even have to mine anymore, I’ll just sit back and reap my rewards, oil baron style.

                My setup doesn’t even scratch the surface of all that is possible, and there is just too much to talk about when you’re talking about the technic pack. With that in mind I’m going to save any more writing on Minecraft for next week when I have a little more machinery under my belt. But yeah, I hope this was enough shlock to satisfy your monster sized appetites. I know MMwMM is coming up, so you’re going to need all of sustenance you can gather before then so you can survive against the harsh drought that occurs whenever Mike writes an article. Stay strong y’all, and we’ll get through this together.

Well ain't you special

Mike's Mondays with Mike McGee: I Wanna Be The Very Best

       Why is it that there is always a shipping delay on my pre-ordered games from Amazon? It’s frustrating, but not enough to break through my frustration threshold, which would force me to interact with an actual person when making my purchases. Nope, for now, I’ll keep grinning and bearing. What game was I shafted out of 2-3 business days of playtime? Why, Pokémon Conquest, of course! I didn’t play much else for the week, other than Kid Icarus: Uprising. But I’m not gonna talk about that here because I talked about it here. However, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write a full review about this game or not. I happen to like what this game’s got cooking.  Regardless of what I say in this post, I may still write one. But I’ll probably be too lazy to do so. I happen to have a very packed summer, you know. I’ll give you my two cents after you, too, scent what this game is cookin’.

My vote's on the Jigglepuff

       This Pokémon installment is a little different than previous one’s because it happens to be a strategy game. Yeah, no, that didn’t help? Ok, picture Final Fantasy Tactics, but throw in some more pikachus (which I, surprisingly, haven’t seen a single one of after about 12 hours of gameplay) and you’re in the clear…or whatever. I’ve also heard it described as Dynasty Warrior meets Pokémon, but that might just be for the story. Speaking of which, you play as a warlord of a kingdom in the Ransei Region, which is home to about 0 new Pokémon. You’ve got this chick, Oichi talking to you about stuff when your kingdom gets invaded, I think. I don’t remember how the beginning goes, but basically there’s this legend that this super cool legendary Pokémon that created the Ransei Region show itself to the person that controls every kingdom in the region. There’s this evil dude that is trying to do that so that he can basically wreck everything. And you’re trying to stop him by…taking over all the kingdoms? So you’re not so much stopping him as you’re beating him to the punch. It’s around this time that you realize that you’re character only s’got one little buddy, an Eevee. But since you’re a warlord, master strategist, Oichi let’s you tell her how to move her Jigglepuff. 

Mmm, I'll see what I can do

       Let me explain some of the specifics of combat. The pokemon (assume that “é” is in this and all future uses of the word) only know one move, which is good because it doesn’t have PP attached to it but is also bad when the move it knows isn’t the type that you want it to be (like the first flying pokemon you get and need only knows quick attack…). There are also warrior powers that’ll buff you in some way. These can use once a battle per warrior you’re using. I guess the level (basically strength) of the pokemon is the “link” percentage between you and your pokemon. It goes up after every battle depending on how effective it did in the fight. You can link with wild pokemon during battle if one of your warriors is able to. Every warrior has a certain number of pokemon they can be linked with and it changes from warrior to warrior. You want to link with other pokemon because every warrior has a specific pokemon that they can 100% link with and it’s probably a big deal when that happens but I haven’t done that yet. 

Uh, friendship?

       But that link thing is a big deal. That’s how you evolve your pokemon and, in some case, how you evolve your warriors. Yeah, you read that right. PEOPLE EVOLVE IN THIS GAME. It really only the warlords that joined you from other kingdoms but it’s still awesome. This allows for faster movement of your pokemon, increases link capacity, can change the 100% pokemon to something better, and all that and all that. They get all that from, basically, just putting on fancier clothes. Awesome!

Mike evolved into Super Mike!

       If you beat another warrior’s pokemon with a super effective attack, he’ll ask to join your army. You can also gain more peeps by beating the pokemon in less than 4 turns and/or not taking any damage from that pokemon. Yeah, so you basically just go from place to place, capturing other kingdoms and getting people to join your army. I think it’s pretty fun. It’s different than the regular Pokémon formula, but it’s a creative twist on an old classic. The combat’s definitely a lot more strategic and you have to watch your unit placement on the overworld, lest you be invaded yourself. Hindsight says that this was a match made in Pokéheaven and should’ve been thought of earlier. The sad part about it though is that I know my good buddy, John, would like a game like this, but according to the back of the box, “Basic reading ability is needed to enjoy this game.” Sorry, man.

"STOP MOCKING ME!" -- John Mikula

This is already running kinda long, yet I still have so much to say. I get I have no choice. My two cents is that I have more to talk about. Whether or not I’m able to focus enough to write a full review is yet to be determined. I’ll try to play more games for next week.

Your pal,

Mike McGee 

Weekly Shlockness with John Mikula

                Alright y’all, sorry for the late upload but when you wake up at noon and work a nine hour shift there really isn’t a lot of opportunities to reflect on one’s busy week of playing games. This ones probably going to be pretty short because I'm writing it so late, but I'll try to be smarter about when I write these in the future. If you’re a loyal shlock-head and have been following my escapades for the past few weeks then you’ll know that I’ve been looking to play Silent Hill 2 for quite a while. Hell, I think even the very first Weekly Shlockness mentions how I’ve been looking for a way to play that game. Well my lovely and talented readers, thanks to a very awesome lady friend of mine who graciously relinquished her copy unto my slimy, claw-like grasp, I have finally been able to play Silent Hill 2. Not even the imminent disappointment of another MMwMM could sully my good mood this week, so without further ado (which is apparently the right way to type that phrase) let me tell you about Silent Hill 2.

You don't say
picture from: www.gamingbolt.com

                It’s pretty cool. There are a lot of similarities between this game and the first game which (believe it or not) kind of came as a surprise to me. I was half expecting something similar to the jump from Resident Evil 3 to 4, especially when the Silent Hill games aren’t exactly canonical. Don’t ask me why I thought this, I’m just really dumb. Anyway, I’m a little over six hours in and I’ve been doing a lot of the same things I did in Silent Hill 1. I’ve been sifting through the fog of the crappy little lake town, looking for ammo, running from monsters, occasionally visiting the hellish altered Silent Hill, and trying to tolerate the (supposedly) normal people walking around Silent Hill. Seriously, what the f*ck is up with Eddie?

hey pass the weed...and the pizza
picture from: silenthill.wikia.com

                What is probably the coolest addition to the formula is the infamous Pyramid Head who I think is one of the coolest video game villains probably of all time. The first time you see him he is behind a set of bars and is completely inaccessible to the player. Until you walk into a room he just stands there starring you down…and it’s pretty creepy. What’s even creepier is when you walk in on him, not once but twice, having his way with a mannequin. It’s pretty messed up. Now, Pyramid Head himself is in no way dynamic. He shows up at specific points and does specific things so he’s not like Nemesis in Resident Evil 3; but when he does show up it sudden and entirely unexpected. I was walking around the roof tops of the hospital and I made sure to survey the entire area before going to the next door to progress. It’s not until you’re just about to open that door when good ol’ Mr. Head shows up to throw you off the roof. Meanwhile I’m sitting there yelling at the T.V. “Where the sh*t did you come from!” When stuff like that happens it makes me feel like his triangle ass is everywhere just watching me. It’s pretty unsettling and I’ve been catching myself jumping at shadows because I think it’s Pyramid Head coming out to f*ck me.

"I only know two things, raping and stabbing. Take your pick"
picture from: www.videogamewriters.com

                Beyond all of that the scariest part of Silent Hill 2 (and this is true for Silent Hill 1 as well) is the sound track. I don’t know who they got to compose music for this game but they should be given at least three trophies for their work because the sound track is outstanding. Same thing goes for the Foley work as well. Occasionally the typical monsters in the game will get on their bellies and start sliding around, and when they do they make this horrible rusty metal scratchy sound that is truly maddening. It’s as if instead of chalk in school they had razor blades, and instead of a teacher it was Mike McGee reading the latest MMwMM (truly terrifying). Footsteps echo in just the right way, and all the doors are wonderfully creaky. Without these sound effects the world of Silent Hill wouldn’t feel nearly as vivid as it does.

                The story, yet again, doesn’t make any sense so far. You play as this guy James who went looking for his dead wife after he received a mysterious letter from her. Spooky, right? Things get derailed quickly as you meet up with some crazy hooker, a fat slob, and a bratty little girl. Now I don’t really know what’s going on and it doesn’t look like I’m going to get any clear answers any time soon; but I’m ok with that. The narrative is hazy and disjointed in a very Silent Hill fashion that makes it feel distinct form anything else. It is also part of why I like this game so much. So far I’m having a really wonderful experience with Silent Hill 2. It builds upon the previous game in a great way and would be a great addition to anyone’s collection.

                A lot of my week was Silent Hill, but I did manage to play a bit more of Resident Evil 4 and a bit more of Psychonauts. I’m happy to say that I’m still enjoying both games very much and if you want to know more about what I think of those games then you should check out last week’s Weekly Shlockness because there really isn’t much more for me to say about them (yet). With that in mind I've got to go to bed. I hope this column has proved to be somewhat readable in my exhausted state. The things I do for you Shlock-heads. 

Mike's Mondays with Mike McGee: Impromptu Backlog Week

         I’m in kind of a pickle here, Shlockheads. I had a specific direction planned out for this MMwMM, but for one reason or another, there’s really no reason why it didn’t pan out (boredom mostly). I was left with almost no games to play this week (the long list of backlogged games I still need to get to doesn’t count). Then, I was struck by a stroke of unfathomable inspiration. I suddenly found myself playing games from a long list of backlogged games that I still need to get to. ‘Twas, truly, a miracle. All right, Impromptu Backlog Week is a go!

Contrary to Groan-inducing pun belief, this game is a little flat

        Ah, I have so many fond memories of Paper Mario. Even though I’ve played all of them, most of the memories are from the Gamecube title, Thousand Year Door (imagine a “Paper Mario” in front of that subtitle). These are very clever titles and they really run with the whole “paper thing,” in a good way. I’ve been playing Super Paper Mario, which is by no means a bad game, it’s just not as good as TYD (see further back in paragraph if confused by acronym). Let’s talk about some good things first. I really like the concept and execution, for the most part, of switching between 2D and 3D. It brings a lot of depth and challenge to some of the puzzles and it’s pretty cool to see how the environments change between the two perspectives. I think the combat compliments the design choices that were made. It’s comparable to an action RPG. It makes combat quicker, which I particularly like because, I feel like I have time to actually explore the environment and find secrets and stuff. The secondary abilities of the partner characters make sense and are effectively used during the game. And the writing keeps that dear ol’ Paper Mario humor that I’ve come to know and love. I have no specific examples because I didn’t write any down and I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

Google searched Super Paper Mario humor. Hey, that spanish subtitle kinda likes it

       “That’s sounds like a pretty good game,” you may be telling yourself. “Why’d dumpo say that he liked some other game bedda?” Well, lemme tell ya ‘bout it, stud. Aside from the story, which is pretty solid so far, the game doesn’t really do much to keep the same RPG feel that previous Paper Mario games had. First of all, the different areas where you get the stars or whatever are set up into levels or stages or however you call them. So the adventurous, exploratory, nature of the game is constantly being interrupted at the end of the stage. Especially when, a lot of the time, the next stage starts you off right where you left off, like literally EXACTLY where you ended the last stage. And I like the combat, I really do, but I feel like an asshole wagglin’ the Wiimote around trying to get those style poses after jumping on an enemy. So I don’t even try to do it half the time and half of the other half of time that I actually do try, it somehow, God knows SOMEHOW, it’s unable to register my incessant flailing. 

Nice...try

       Yes, this doesn’t seem like much (and that’s probably because it’s really not), but that’s why I said it’s just not as good or polished as TYD is. It’s not a bad game, like I said. In fact, I’d recommend this to fans of the series and even to fans of casual RPGs. I would, however, encourage people looking to try out a Paper Mario game to check out Thousand Year Door (fine I wrote it out, jeez).

Ain't I a stinker

      I know what John, and maybe even you, are thinking, “THE F*CK?!” (you know, 'cause John always censors that stuff). I started playing this way before John picked it up, so shut up! But he did a pretty good job covering it in his post so check that out. I just wanted to briefly talk about the Wii controls ‘cause that’s the version I have (*groan*). The motion controls are used quite effectively here. Aiming is thankfully precise and, thankfully, there isn't much in the waggle department, thankfully. I feel like I have more control over Leon and can sure as hell guarantee that I’ve wasted fewer bullets than Accusatory Mikula over there. That’s basically it for this game. Check out that other guy for a not-lazy-as-hell-and-cop-outesque take on the game.

Aw yeah! Xenoge- er, blade...Xenoblade, yeah!

       That short segment gives me room to talk about this guy. Xenoblade Chronicles isn’t much of a looker, graphically speaking, but it more than makes up for it. It’s a long game so haven’t even scratched the surface at about two and a half hours in, but so far the story is awesome. The opening showed these two colossal gods fighting and they end up killing each other at the same time. And that’s where all of the life in this universe lives now. Now dat’s pretty sweet. You’ll have to forgive me for not going into detail about the actual story, but I’d definitely start rambling and nobody wants that. It’s an action RPG, probably in more of a traditional sense than Super Paper Mario. You have to manage your position, attack choice, heeding the amount of agro your getting, and combo-ing off your allies’ attacks. It’s certainly intense.

um...am I winning?

       I also enjoyed some of the quirkier things in the game. For starters, the main guy’s name is Shulk. Shulk?! How goofy is that, right? On top of that Shulk, along with all of the voice acting, is British, which I had no problem with, but once my sister sat in and starting mocking all of the dialogue in a British accent, I started to hear how goofy it really sounded (still good though!) Another weird thing is when you start playing as the girl (yep, too lazy to look up the name. I think it’s like Flora or something) you’ll be running around and stuff. If you make her jump the voice clip they picked sounds like she’s getting punched in the gut. She’s like “HHGGUWH!” It’s friggin’ hilarious. If you like RPGs, then get this game. I’m not joking…I’m not even joking. Even the fact that it’s a Wii-only title shouldn’t deter you because this game supports the use of Classic Controller Pro. In fact, my copy even came with this accessory. There’s no excuse, seriously.

100% waggle free

      Well, Impromptu Backlog Week was a success in my opinion. You might be wondering about the intensity, or, more accurately, a lack there of, of my response to John’s insensitive response to my rare and untreatable sleepwalking condition: Sleep Corrupting. It is people like you, John, that are treating this disorder like a lame, unfunny, joke response to another person’s shameless defamation of character. Nobody’s gonna fund research to find a cure for something that nobody thinks is a real disease, especially if it’s not even funny joke, at least. I hope you’re proud of yourself. And to the Shlockheads at home, I hope you enjoyed this week’s MMwMM. Stay tuned during the week for some of our video-related content and come back next week for more of the same. BAI!

Weekly Shlockness with John Mikula: Ain’t no way I’m putting subtitles on this sh…Aww F*ck

Hello Shlock-heads. If y’all have been following this blog then you know I’ve been getting pretty deep into Hitman Blood Money. Well today when I went to load up my profile I was greeted with a big fat CORRUPTED SAVE FILE where my profile should be. Mike please! I know I made fun of your column, but I said I was sorry! Leave Agent 47 out of this! He’s never done nothing to nobody! Now I have to go back and start all over from the beginning which I absolutely hate. With that in mind, it will probably a week or two before I summon the patience to get through to where I was in Hitman in order to keep playing. In the meantime what else can I play? Diablo? Nah! Mass Effect 3? F*ck that. Oh I know! It’s perfect. I’ll just play a bit of…

picture from: www.giantbomb.com

Yup, good ole Resident Evil 4. I bought this game a little while ago out of bitterness when I couldn’t find a copy of Silent Hill 2 anywhere. As of this article I’ve only played an hour and seven minutes of it and I’m already out of bullets, out of health sh*t, and having a great time. The controls are sh*t, but in a way it makes the game scarier. I was running around the first little village, not knowing what to do, and this guy with a chainsaw starts coming at from down this little path. So, I try to run back the way I came, but because the game uses tank controls I couldn’t just turn around go, I had to tuuuuurrrrrnnnn arrrooouuunnnd and go. Everything feels very slow and stiff, which I don’t actually think is a bad thing for a survival horror game. If you could just turn and get the f*ck out of there it wouldn’t be nearly as scary as when you have to stop, stand still, and tilt the analog stick left for a second before you can get the fuck out. Beyond that I don’t really have much to say yet, the game seems fun and I’d really like to play more.

picture from: www.bit-tech.net

Because I thought my week wasn’t freaky enough I started playing Amnesia: The Dark Decent as part of the Humble Bundle. Now, I think this game is one of the smartest new horror games to be released in a while. It’s got great atmosphere, it’s got some cool mechanics, and, most importantly, it’s scary…or at least it would be if I was playing in the dark with some headphones on. Like most horror movies/games you’re environment matters when trying to figure the effectiveness of the horror elements, but I’ve seen gameplay of this online and I deemed the only way I could play this game was with the lights on in the middle of the day with my sh*tty laptop speakers. All of that kind of ruins the mood (like when you’re out with a smokin’ hot lady and she tells you she reads MMwMM) but then again that’s kind of my fault. The game blatantly tells you when you first start “Hey! You should prolly play dis sh*t with the lights off and with some headphones. Thaaaaaanks!” But even with all of my precautions the game still manages to be freaky as hell. There are creepy zombie dudes walking around, every things dark until you light up a few candles with tinder boxes (which are very sparse), and you occasionally go insane. An interesting mechanic in this game is your sanity meter. If you stand around in the dark or witness some creepy sh*t, your sanity meter goes down. When the meter gets low enough your screen goes all fuzzy and your movement is impaired. To counter this you have to have to stand in the light which means you have to use up one of your ever-so valuable tinderboxes. However, if the area is too bright monsters start to come (or so I’m led to believe, I’m too nervous to try it) and those guys are serious business because you don’t have any weapons and it doesn’t look like you’re going to get any weapons. I’m only a couple hours in so I haven’t seen too much of the game but I’m going to keep playing and see if it gets any spookier.

picture from: www.xbox.gamespy.com

My week wasn’t all zombies and piss stains, also started digging into Xbox classic Psychonauts via the Humble Bundle. Again (I know this is sounding redundant) I’ve only gotten a couple hours of playing this game in this week but from what I can tell this game is (unlike MMwMM) a charming and vibrant addition to gaming culture. The premise for this game is very interesting if not a little nonsensical (even by the games standards). The idea is that you’re a kid at some kind of summer camp where they train children to become some kind of psychic super soldiers known as Psychonauts (where have I heard that name before?) and the player is left to run and jump their way through the minds of the counselors/students of this camp in a 3d platforming fashion. What I don’t get is why are children being trained for warfare? Seems kind of dark for a Double Fine production buy hey, everyone’s got to mix it up a bit now and again. When I got to the actual game the thing that I noticed is that there is a ton of stuff you’ve got to keep track of. At any point in the game there are arrow heads you have to dig up, scavenger hunt items you’ve got to look out for, merit badges to collect, figments, cobwebs, psi cores, baggage tags to collect, all of which contribute to your camp rank. When you get this rank up to certain levels you can then get new psychic powers which seem to be the core of the experience. It’s nuts, I was forty-five minutes in and they’re still introducing things for me to collect. That may sound a bit crazy but when it’s all presented to you on screen it gets pretty manageable, so it doesn’t detract from the game.

The other thing I noticed while I was playing is that Nickelodeon hasn’t picked up this game and made it into a cartoon show which I found shocking because it looks right up their alley. The style looks like a mix of Jimmy Neutron and Rugrats with just a hint of insanity. The whole game is really fun to look at and the story bits you get are very well produced I feel. The voice acting is spot on and the personalities are unique and endearing. The whole presentation of this game just oozes charisma and I’m loving it even if the gameplay isn’t really revolutionary (not yet at least). So far everything gameplay wise seems a bit standard. You run, you jump, you throw stuff, and you do typical things of that nature. This isn’t a bad thing because those elements are executed rather competently but these Double Fine guys invented such a clever universe and I would have loved to see all the clever mechanics they could’ve come up with.

Well, that’s all I’ve got this week. We’ll see if Corrupty McGee over at MMwMM will keep his sticky fingers off of my save files this week. Keep your eyes peeled, he could be anywhere.